Crumpled Notebook

Has anyone read that book? I don’t think I have. I always confuse it with Catcher in the Rye which I have read. I guess its the whole “catch” that confuses me. Anyway on to the point. I feel like I’m stuck in a catch-22. I feel this way because I’m pondering what to do when my Vista year is up. See, I’ve almost decided that there isn’t anything really compelling here to make me stay. I mean, I like it and all, but once I’m not a vista, I kind of lose most of my social connections. Yet, on the other hand, I don’t want to go home. Its basically, I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be home, but I got no place else to go.

Here’s how I feel about being here. Before, last year, when I was thinking about staying, I was trying to take the “people” factor out of it, but then I realized, after someone told me, that the “people” was the most important thing to stay for. I don’t feel that way anymore. I still agree with the statement, but I’m not pulled her by a group of friends. I mean, I have some friends here, non-vista friends that I care about a lot and would miss. But who knows how long they’ll be here. Also, I don’t want these few friends to be my only source of friends here. Right now I have a good mix of those friends and vista friends. I’m not totally dependent on either group. I’m just thinking how much I would actually like it here without that connection. If it was just me, how would I feel? I just don’t know if its enough to stay. I don’t know if finding a job that I might enjoy is enough to stay.

There there is Kentucky. I love my family. I love my friends there, but its not where I want to be. Its not where I’m happy. I can be happy there, but overall, I deal better when I’m away from certain things in my life. Besides, the only place I’d really even want to live would be Bowling Green. But yeah, I’m just not ready for that. I’m not ready to go back home. I don’t know if I will ever be ready.

So overall, I’m just not feeling connected. I have some connections here. I have some connections in Kentucky, but I don’t have a sense of “this is where I belong.” I mean, I really do love it here in Monterey, but I just don’t know if I have anymore reasons to stay.