Crumpled Notebook

So no, I wasn’t watching Love Actually tonight, or recently really. However, something made me think of a line from that movie tonight. I was reading a movie description that mentioned those “lucky (or unlucky) enough to find love” and it made me think of my favorite line from Love Actually. The line is said by the kid in the movie, Sam, to his father, Daniel. He is telling his father what has been wrong with him, and tells him he is in love. The father is relieved, seeing as how his mother just died and he thought the young boy was depressed over that. He says he thought it might be something worse (than love), to which the boy replies, with this bewildered, yet strangely true look on his fact and says, “Worse than the total agony of being in love?” The father thinks about it and says, “Oh. No, you’re right. Yeah, total agony. ”

I don’t know what is the point of this post. I’m not in love, so therefore, I don’t have to deal with the agony of it, although I whole-heartedly agree with the statement made by the kid. I would venture to say I’ve only been in love once (maybe twice), and let me tell you, I find it agonizing. Whether it is unreturned or not, just the fact that your emotions can be so disrupted by just one person is agony (for me anyway). Case in point. There was this guy I knew back when I worked at the jail. His name is Rusty. Anyway, I fell fast and I fell hard for this guy. We never dated. We hung out a lot and spent a lot of time together off and on. There seemed to be signs of interest there from him part, but never enough to give me enough courage to act upon it. At any rate, after a while, we didn’t see each other as much due to conflicting schedules. It took me a good 6 months to “get over him.” It was even the downfall of another relationship I started during this time-a relationship that actually had some potential. Six months of getting over him, and I remember writing in my journal one day after he called to hang out. It took me six months to get over it, and six minutes to fall completely in love with him again. Doesn’t that just suck?

I don’t know. I just really think love is pure agony. But a good, addicting kind of agony. I mean, my thought has always been that I don’t want to be with just anyone, someone who couldn’t break my heart. I really want to be with someone who is capable of breaking my heart, because to be honest, I haven’t met many people like that. I think, for me, that the only way I’ll know it’s actually love.

Yeah, this was a really random entry. It’s late. I slept all day and can’t sleep, so you get this kind of crap when that happens.