Crumpled Notebook

So, jumping off the previous post, I also had some realizations about how I’m different personally, not just career-wise.

When I left Kentucky, I had spent just over 2 years in Lexington. I was a pretty unhappy person. I was unhappy at work and I was unhappy at home. Let me clarify something about my job though. I loved my job. I loved what I got to do, I just hated the environment and the restrictions. Working with the kids was great. Working at a jail sucked. When I left, it was my job that drove me away. It was hard to leave my family and friends, but I knew it had to be done. I had plenty of reasons to stay, and only one reason to go (unless you want to psychoanalyze the fact that it was probably just as much or more about running away from life). On the surface level, I could have left my crappy job, and not left the state. But hey, I was young and I wanted an adventure.

So fast forward to right now. Right now, I find that my job and my purpose here is what makes me stay here. Not that I’m eager to run off, but as I’ve mentioned before, initially, when I decided to stay an extra VISTA year, it was about the people and my life here. At some point, it became less about the people and more about the job or more so, the purpose. My purpose. It’s not to say that the people here are any less important, but on some levels I’ve changed. I don’t seem to need people as much. I think that is part of the consequence of being away from most of my family and friends for over 2 years. Let me tell you, it gets really hard to keep in touch with people. I was really good at it when I got here, but I suck at it now. I think part of it is that I’ve concluded that my life is here now. This is my home, not Kentucky. It’s easier to maintain relationships when you know that you’re going to be back with those people again at some point in the future. Now, I have friends that I don’t know if I’ll ever see them again.

Bad thing about Monterey is that a lot of people move away. I make relationships and then people leave. Either due to the military, marriage or just the plain fact that its an expensive place to live. I just feel like I have very few people attachments here, if any. Sure, I love my friends here, I’ve become much less of an attachment person. I don’t know if that is good or bad. Anyway, it’s just funny that I left one place because of my job primarily, and I stay in another (an expensive as heck place for that matter) for the same reason.

I think attachments are good in general, but my theory is that right now, it’s good for me not to feel attached. I think I could be being prepared for something that may need me to not have anything holding me back from doing what I need to do. I don’t think its anytime in the near future, but it could be lingering out there.