Crumpled Notebook

That is a statement made by me on many occassions, for many years.

I was talking to one of my friends tonight, Alisha, who was telling about this game her and another friend of hers were playing called “Relationship Chicken” (or maybe it was “dating chicken” …something to that effect). Anyway the point was to freak each other out about their relationships and the seriousness of them. Kind of funny because I do this to Alisha all the time. She said she didn’t like playing with me because she couldn’t come back on my with anything. She’s right.

When she said this, we talked about, and I pondered about this thing that keeps coming up with me. I mean, I know it, and other people know it, but it’s been in a lot of random people’s converations about me lately. Yes. I am a committment-phobic. See, I never date anyone more than two months. I don’t plan it that way. Usually, around the one month mark, I start figuring out how to get out of it and it takes anywhere from a week to a month for me to actually go through with it (I hate breaking up with people).

I can’t think of any big thing in my life that would make me this way. In the last week, other than being called a committment-phobic, I’ve been called a pimp and a player. I’ve actually had admitted players call me a player before. I mean, come on people, look at me…do you really think I’m a player? Apparently enough people do. But I would argue its not in the bad sense that one might think. Just in the sense that once I see its not going to work, I figure its best for all involved parties to end it…makes it easier, saves on the heartache later (I would imagine. I can’t say I’ve ever really had my heart broken).

Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to have a relationship (I think), but I love being single. I liked it a lot more when I didn’t care about what I was doing or who might get hurt, and I’ve never been a sleep around kind of girl–that just isn’t me. That is one thing I’ve always taken seriously. But what I can’t figure out is why, at this point, when I’ve realized its NOT okay to make out with whomever I wanted, that I haven’t felt the real need to settle down. I take things more seriously now. I actually “try” in relationships, even to the point where I would call someone a “boyfriend,” and take their feelings into consideration (or I try to). I even take things like kissing more seriously (yes, me who has always argued the whole “a kiss is just a kiss”). I even found myself making a comment to the effect of “I want to know where things are going before I kiss someone.” Now, granted, that has mostly been for the sake of the guy, but still, I’m making an effort.

I don’t know. I’m rambling I know. I’m just confused that, after all this time, and after me finally figuring out that dating is serious and I only want to spend time dating potential mates and that God has a plan for all of it…why do I still continually avoid relationships at all costs?