Feeling sick
So, I’ve not been feeling great the past week. You know, the headaches, tiredness kind of stuff. Maybe the flu, I don’t know. That isn’t the sick I’m talking about right now though.
Last night I watched A Clockwork Orange. It was interesting to see how the “therapy” they tried on the main character made him physically sick when he had thoughts of “ultra-violence.” What was kind of funny was that recently I’ve had some similar reactions to things (no, I haven’t been having thoughts of violence).
I’ve kinda been looking around at jobs lately. Nothing real serious, but there are a couple of jobs I’ve came cross that I have pretty much been crazy not to apply for. It’s been really hard for me because I love where I work and my life here in Monterey (not that some of the jobs I looked at haven’t been in the Monterey area). Yet, I see these and they’re just almost perfect for me. It’s interesting though that anytime I’ve seriously sat down and looked hard for jobs and thought about about whether I really wanted to leave my current job or not, I have gotten physically sick to my stomach. Very few things have ever made me that sick before. The first couple of times it happened, I just chalked it up to stress from work. However, at this point, it is almost every single time I start looking or start thinking of working on the resume, etc….
I’m not quiet sure what to make of that. I mean, nothing in inherently wrong with me looking for even applying for jobs. I know it was take a lot for me to leave. Yet every time I do it, I want to vomit. As soon as I stop, the feeling goes away. The only other times that has happened is when I’ve considered doing stuff that I knew I should do, but really didn’t want to for whatever reason. See, I’m looking at it like that. Not, “oh, it’s making me sick, so it’s not right.” I see it as just the fact that in the past, it’s doing the things I know I should do, but can’t. I’m not saying that all of those things are necessarily right, but it’s the logical thing to do in my mind.
Anyway, just knowing the right time is the key here I guess. I mean, I can’t do what I’m doing forever, right? I just don’t know if I’m cut out for social work. I mean, it really never was what I saw myself doing. It just kind of happened. But if I leave it, I feel like I’m cheating, that I’m putting myself and my own needs above helping others. I definitely have skills in other areas that I could use to find a job that isn’t in social work or non-profit. Is it wrong that I want a job that I don’t have to be so emotionally involved in?
Tags: jobs, non-profit, sick, social-work
