Crumpled Notebook

So the other day someone was talking about goals in life. I think it was Sunday School. Anyway, I hate those questions because everyone undoubtedly gets put on the spot, which is what happened this day. Now, if I was with my close friends having the conversation, it wouldn’t have been a big deal, but I hate answering questions like that in groups because frankly, my personal goals/life is not really anyone’s business unless I want it to be.

But anyway, it got me to thinking about my goals. I honestly couldn’t answer the question. Someone else had to answer it for me, and it was a casual, shallow kind of goal like “visiting all the baseball stadiums.” Yes, that is a goal for me, but not like a real or personal goal. It’s a fun goal, but not something that will really change the course of my life.

So I realized I don’t have goals (long term anyway). I’ve had a few in my life and met most of them, but right now, I have no goals. I know that seems strange for a 30 year old, but it’s true. I don’t have employment goals because I’m content with my job right now and anything further along the same lines would have to be a divine calling of the sorts. I’ve honestly never really seen myself as the family person. Like, I’ve never been able to picture myself as a 60 year old, married, with kids and grandkids. That seems so unappealing to me. So I don’t really have a goal to have kids or get married (although getting married is something I’d like to do, I wouldn’t be devasted if I didn’t). I don’t think about family or retiring or buying a house or going back to school or traveling the world, etc…. Not to say that I wouldn’t do any of that stuff, or possibly even want to at some point. I’m just saying it’s not a “goal” for me at this point.

So that’s it. I have no long-term goals in life. Does that make me a slacker? Or does that mean I don’t need to be constantly acheiving goals to find meaning? I don’t know the answers. I guess I just feel like I never pictured or planned my life much after college, so now I’m just in this state of “I’ve done the things I can do and it’s too late to do other things I wanted.” So now I’m just kinda here…Goal-less.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. It’s actually really frustrating to me because it’s more than just the normal “can’t sleep.” It’s eerily remniscent of my sleeping patterns when I lived in Lexington before I moved to California. That is not a good thing either. My mind just races all night of things I need to do or fears of things that could happen. I think about things I should have done differently and things I have completely no control over. Yet, my mind just won’t shut off.

I read once that it took the average person less than 7 minutes to fall asleep. I used to think this was crazy because it always took me about an hour to go to sleep once I went to bed no matter how tired I was. Then magically one day a few years ago, I just started going to sleep. No more counting sheep (which never worked anyway because my sheep jump too fast). I mean, here and there I have trouble sleeping, but this is different. I feel different. I see similar things going on inside of me that I used to struggle with more.

I just want my sleep back. I want my mind to stop racing. I want life to go back to normal. I’m too tired to deal with anything. Besides, I’ve already moved to the other side of the country. I don’t have much place else to go here. Heh.

Good article.

I really do not like this woman. Way to take something out of context.

Here is Ms. Albright’s actual comment: “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women,” and her take on Palin using and misquoting her comment.

“Though I am flattered that Governor Palin has chosen to cite me as a source of wisdom, what I said had nothing to do with politics. This is yet another example of McCain and Palin distorting the truth, and all the more reason to remember that this campaign is not about gender, it is about which candidate has an agenda that will improve the lives of all Americans, including women. The truth is, if you care about the status of women in our society and in our troubled economy, the best choice by far is Obama-Biden.”

So, I should vote for her because she is a woman? That’s kinda sexist in a reverse way.

Going to see Angels vs Red Sox in Anaheim tomorrow night. Super excited. Stadium #11 this year also.

I wish I was flying and not driving though. I need a day off to just sleep. That would be nice. Maybe in January.